Thursday, August 25, 2005

It had been almost 1 month since i left my job. Many wondered how i am coping. Am i enjoying my life? most friends called me up and saying you must be free now... can we meet for a lunch or dinner or supper or shopping? hmmm as i look at things around me i still think i am busy. Sometimes i wonder what i am busy with...

I finally able to work on full time on the business that i had started with Keegan 2 years ago. It wasn't easy. I faced alot of setbacks and i think many times i wish i could give up and just enjoyed life and work. But after working for a few months, i knew that wasn't something that I was looking for.

I could remember every single failure that I did for the past 2 years. Countless... I lost projects, I made clients unhappy, i made my partner unhappy, i made myself unhappy. i made everyone around me unhappy.

Around this year Jan/Feb, I started to question what was my goal and where was my motivation? Why am i working so hard every night till 2 am working in a dark and getting countless scoldings from my poor sister who is sleeping and had to endure my intense noisy typings? ( * i had since changed to a quieter keyboard)

Slowly i detest what i was doing... i hated it. i hated programming. i hated designing. i think i almost went into depression. i hate what i was doing.. i just hate COMPUTERS!

i just cried to keegan. Is too hard. is way too hard.. i want to give up.. i want to GIVE UP! or at least he agrees to pull out of the project and i will do this alone. and i just do whatever i want...
What happen in the end..

After a few days... he told me ...let's re-evaluate our goals, missions and motivation. Why did we started this?

God. That was my answer. Maybe it sound strange/weird/puzzling to some of u ...

When i was in poly, i always wanted to do a website. I had no talents in leading word, no talents in evangelizing, no music talents to play for the Lord, seem to have nothing good to offer to the Lord... . That was when i thought of creating christian website as a offering to God. A Christian Youth website that targets the whole singapore. To reach out and to bring them closer to God. That had always been my dream.

I lack of skills agian... i don't how to do a good website. -_-"

I nv created this dream...somehow...

Keegan had a similar thought.. he also wanted to do something .. for the Lord. He want to run a business (anything). He was very inspired by his fellow bro-in christ who was runing a biz on his own with other christians and how they managed to work and grow and yet at the same time able to contribute their time to serve in the ministry.

When we came together 2 years ago to discuss this: we were very very excited about this mini work. A work when we prayed about it that we can use to glorify God. Business built on the foundation of christian values. We have visions that we can reach out to the youths who will work in the company with us.. and not spent time outside idling around.

That was our visions.

It picked me up again and we continued to move on.

We named our business PH. Some asked me.. why this name?

Hub as we all know means to connect several computers together. We connects you know... haha

Polaris... it also means North Star. What so special about this star?

-Used as a navigation aid and to chart navigational maps (God gives direction eh.. and God also asked us to be the light and salt of the world. Gives the youths or anyone non christians a good testimony)

-Our Creator created the stars. I was reminded in Psalms 8:3 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place."

Lastly, this verse further enhanced my faith.

Shining as Stars - Phil 2 : 12 -18
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

God always sent pple in and teaches me and guide me.. i am ever thankful. At the end of the day the business may work out.. or may not work out. But at least I tried. Keegan tried. We both tried =)

7 cheers for God :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

i am feeling so dead now...

i have no ideas on how to work on my projects.. my brain is not working! argh~!

Maybe I should go to AMK library and chill out abit.. i am getting stressed.. or maybe to Dome cafe at Bishan CC .. that place got a nice ambience and i can sit there the whole day stoning...

I had a number of deadlines plus a couple of few committments here and there.

My brain is so dead... now... too much brain cells just died...

I haven't exercise for ages and I think my head is getting heavier...

I got a nightmare too...

What's happening to me?!


Previously on the korean drama... i don't think i will rent.. I'm depressed enough.. I should spent money to make myself happy not spent money to make myself depressed for one week after watching the 20 epiosodes... the 20 episode guides had caused me moody for the whole day... what for spending $ to cry in front of the TV and more $ to buy tissue paper or use toliet paper. Instead, I shd rent shows like The Maid or The Ring or Jun On so i can scare myself and that will force me to sleep early at night instead of staring at the com in the wee hours of the morning.

okok i will not even rent horror movies to scare myself silly....

I will go and sit by the beach and enjoy the cool sea breeze and that's so much better... maybe by then I get my brain working and more creative juices will come...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Should I or Should I not?

*flashback on Monday evening*

I had a soft spot for Korean drama ... especially the sad and draggy drama. Recently Channel U is showing Stairway to Heaven on every Monday and Tuesday. I was aware but didn't really want to catch it. I was going to catch American next top model on Channel 5 and when i turned on the TV ... Stairway to Heaven was in front of me. Less than 5 mins. I was hooked. First episode there were alots of crying and lots of jealousy in the show. AHHH...

*flashback to the present.. now*

I cannot stand it if i were to wait for 20 episodes to show on every week Monday and Tuesday. The suspences were killing me. So Should I or should not... rent the 20 episodes show?? My sister warned me to get a hold of my emotions... she said most of her friends watched the show would become depressed for many days due to the sad and tragic drama...

I don't want to be feel depressed.. but surely there are romantic scences that will make me happy? At most i shall skipped the parts on crying and where jealousy that torn pples' hearts?

I spent the whole night to look for a good english site that will tell me the whole synopsis of the story. Surely there is one crazy fan who will spend her ( 100% is a "she" .. it will never be a guy) time building a website dedicated to this story....







YEAH! A fan, Kyrstal build this site, an english site on the story of Stairway to Heaven!


I am going to read all her 20 episodes guides and will decide if I should rent the show...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Camera is probably one of the best and useful inventions in the world. it capture beautiful things and so you can always look back and see the wonderful memories.

I thought the fireworks were really very beautiful. But it turned out soso in the pictures. I think that if my camera does not have "Fireworks" mode i think the photos might have turned out worse. Some of the more satisfied shots.

Buildings night shot. Brand of tripod used: PY's hands

NDP Preview Fireworks

Another attempt....

Fireworks Festival ~ France

I wish i got ray's camera :|

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Last Monday, I finally found time to cook lunch =)

I made....

Shepherd Pie AND Bacon & Mushroom Aglio Olio

My next dish is to learn how to make nice lasagna. Any yummy recipes to recommend?
Top 10 (crazy) things that happen when i was young

1. Drank the whole Super Big Size Big Gulp by myself. I got asthma as a result :(

2. Played with my neighbours boys and bluffed them that i was a boy not a girl ... hehhee

3. Prank calls - on police, fire station ...anything...just call and talk some kind of foreign language

4. I stole the mechanical pencil's cap. Because the cap had a plastic pearl that looked like the "Pearl" in the TV dramas that i was watching then. I took the cap and left the mechanical pencil behind. I lost the "pearl" within a day because some of my classmates took it and threw away. (*sob)

5. Lied to my mother that the principal knew me and always treat me for breakfast. (it made my mother very happy and proud so i continued to lie all the way)

6. I had no friends when I was in Pri 1 and 2. In order to win my friend's friendship, I borrowed money to buy stickers from book shop to give my friends. Every week I would borrow $1 from the upper primary and the secondary students. I stopped until 1 student from the secondary section came and asked for her $1 back. Then i knew that borrowing money was bad. I stopped.

7. I still had no friends when I was in Pri 3. So i made up stories to my classmates that i can see "things". They believed me and became friends with me. I stopped lying one year later and pretended i lost my memories

8. Eat 2 ice-creams everyday during recess until one day my mom came to school and spot checked on me. I got cannings after that. Eating ice-cream became a secret and underground affair.

9. 12 years old. I got the worst cannings ever in my whole life. My mom literally beat me up with whatever items she could find in the house. From canes to kitchen utencils to clothes hanger. A classmate got me into trouble by calling my mother to ask if i really had problems at home.

I had told my classmate that my family was in debt and dad was constantly making my mother very upset. Thanks to this girl, who called up and asked if was true (she was probably thinking i was lying again). My mom was furious that I told my friends about the "chou shi" (ugly things) .

The next day, i showed the girl my canned marks and told her off :"You got me into trouble. You better watch out..."

10. Because all those lies and unhappiness, i prayed hard that I would leave the primary school and restart all over again. Although i badly wanted to return to the secondary school to study. But I was tired of lying to people and especially my mother who still now today believes that the principal knows me. hehe.. I got 213 for my PSLE scores and off i went to another secondary school and I restarted and I had the best time in my secondary school days. Pure and Honest Friendships. No pretence. Nothing.

Now i look back. I am shock at that kind of things I used to do in the past. These can't be me right?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Today the first practise of Evince! :)

I didnt come in a "high" mood. More with a "low" mood in fact. Actually was also thinking of skipping. But the thought of missing the first prac doesn't look good and how could I miss everything when everyone is hard at work? I look for the past week. I been working and yet i still have not come out anything decent for the T-shirt design and the publicity is ZERO % done.

In the end, I thought to myself. Why dwell myself in the low mood ? I shall come to Evince practise and get High with PS songs and other wonderful songs that had been planned by other Evincibles members who had been planning and coordinating the songs flow and stucture.

Practise Practise Practise...

my turn now..

I think i am not very confident in leading the song Everything's Changed. Although is one of my top fav playings songs in my iPod/PC/Radio ... i nv see myself leading this super HIGH song! I am so *argh* . I don't sound good. I sound awful in fact. And i don't have a powerful voice. :S

But Grace just kept encouraging me. one point i sang until i was out of breath... i think i had to repeat the song and caused so much confusions among the musicians. SO PS*! I cant sing low or too high.. what a lousy worship leader in leading this song.

*PS: Refers to Paiseh

Then i think .. alamak PY what wrong with u ... just sing like u use to sing in the lift .. haha for those who doesn't know. I like to sing in the lift. People can sing in the car while they drive, sing while bathing. I LOVE singing in the lift :D Especially when i was still working then, once the door closed i just went singing in the lift. I don't care got the stupid CV camera looking at me. I just sing sing and I get very happy. hahahahhaha

To improve... i am going to jog and built up my stamina. Must inject the OOMPH!

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED! *jump* Sing for the LORD!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

This afternoon i went to visit my grandma who was hospitalized last week. Apparently she hasn't eat for a few days and thus was admitted. I had not seen her for many many years already. I can't even remember when was the last family gathering. I was either at work or study or other things. When i heard she was admitted last weekend, i had this urge to go down and visit her. But for some reasons, my mom didn't allow me. She refused no matter how hard i budged her... until today we finally went down. I also asked that I like to pray for her and mom agreed without any violent objections.

I thought I would be like a normal person - normal meaning to see her without any longing feelings or feeling of sadness when I see her because I wasn't very close to her.

When i saw stepped in the room, i was greeted by a very thin and fragile old lady (pictured the gollum in the LOTR) ... i almost couldn't recognized her! My grandma lost so much so much weight! My heart flipped and i cringed when i held her hand. Her two hands bloated so much due to the injections and drip.

Due to alzheimer, she couldn't remember me and mom. I chatted with her for a while with a mix of mandarine and broken cantonese. I can see she is happy to see her own family visiting her. I have heard many nasty stories about how she biased she was towards her children and particularly dislike my mom and a few aunties the most. But watching how my mom showered her the love and patience despite the mistreat that my grandma in the past just make me marvel and respect my mom even more.

As for me, i was always upset about how my grandma treated my mom and i just can't felt feeling so unfair and bitterness. But today everything changed. My mom's love had dissolved that kind of hatred and bitterness not only in my grandma's heart but also in me as well.

I had hold back... I didn't managed to share the gospel. I had wanted to do that but the nurse that my grandma had hired told us how the other nurse had tried to evangelize to my grandma. ( my grandma got 3 private nurses and 2 maids) and how one of the nurse who is a christian had actually wheeled my grandma out and brought her to church!

I was quite surprised to hear that. I feel that it was a very dangerous thing! What if my grandma got hurt when she is outside? For a brief walk yes, but to a church? And without my grandma knowing?! If you had wanted to evangelize, you can do it anywhere! You don't have to bring her to church! And guess what? That created more uproar and disapproval in the family. I can finally understand why I wasn't allowed to go and visit her at first.

But I did pray for her eventually before I left. I know God is watching her.

After we left, many thoughts just come into my mind. Life is so fragile. I looked at my mom and soon my mom will be preparing for a 1 year dental treatment process soon. I just can't help but to think if my family especially my parents are not going to recieve salvation. What is going to happen? I was reminded that one of the cell member's mom had recieve Christ. God is faithful isn't He?