Thursday, August 30, 2007

i am small but not insignificant :)

Blessings of the Day: I had enjoyable time with my ex-colleagues this evening. It had been nearly 2 years since I met up with them. Glad that I went for the gathering. Most are all happily attached. Think going to get lots of bombs very soon keke...
I was reflecting the passage from Proverbs 30:24 - 28 and I thought I should jot it down because during this quiet time the Lord had finally answered my question.

Recently I've been under tremendous stress at work and studies. I had felt so overwhelmed by the pile of things I needed to do. I also felt helpless at times because I needed to handle so many clients at one go. Whenever I hit boiling point of stress, my temper got very nasty and I would start to scold anyone who came near me. I also felt depressed and I could go very negative that people around me will become negative after talking to me. Unfortunately negative people and negative me didn't turn out positive all the time.

My family had also been through tough times too. My mom fell down and injured her knee cap when she was doing housework. My dad too fell and sprained his foot when he was at the shipyard. Both were making frequent visitations to the hospital for checkup and physiotherapy sessions. My youngest sister was falling sick due to O level preparation stress. Lately my brother also just discovered he had weak heart and irregular heartbeat and was hospitalized a few times. Just when all were slowly recovering, my 2nd sister was constantly began to fall sick too. We nearly freaked out and got very scared that she might have blood disorder or even worse. Futher blood test results showed that she actually lacked of iron. Thank God it was nothing too serious. All these that were happening around me really put on tremedous stress on me. One could feel so helpless to see all your family members falling sick one by one and that is nothing you could do to help them.

These were the moments I began to ask God or rather questioned him - "How come I am so stupid? How come I am so slow? How come I can never finish all these work? Why am I feeling so tired all the time? Why am I so useless? Why I can't do this? Why I can't do that? Why are my friends doing better than me? Why??? Why can't I get smarter? Why our works can never please all our clients? How come he/she is critizing me this way???"

God sensed my frustrations. But I couldn't feel it then. I felt God was not answering my questions at all. I prayed about it. I shared with Keegan. But still I felt so alone at times. I felt that no one understood where I was coming from. I felt small :(

Despite that, I tried to pray and persistently do my qt, God's small advices each day enabled me to pass through each day's challenges. Some days ended well some days were not as I grumbled and procastinate from time to time. But I was thankful for when Weiggy shared how God had been her Enabler who constantly lift her up to handle each challenges in her work, studies and family. It wasn't easy when she shared and but despite that she was faithful that God would carry her through. That is what I called - Walking By Faith. And she did.

After so many months of crying out - finally tonight, God showed me this verse that woke me up from my negative thoughts. I felt happy and guilty at the same time. Happy that the Lord loves me for who I am and guilty for not putting my faith and trust in the Lord. But again I am thankful that guilty did not last long as God never intend to put the element of guilt in us and He only want us to depend on him even more.

Four things on earth are small, yet they are extremely wise:
Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer;
coneys are creatures of little power, yet they make their home in the crags;
locusts have no king, yet they advance together in ranks;
a lizard can be caught with the hand, yet it is found in kings' palaces.

- Proverbs 30: 24 - 28

I feel like an ant - of little strength and power but yet these creatures in their own weakness were able to create something magnificient and powerful. I am reminded that God showcases His wisdom and greatness even through the smallest things. All these while, being feeling small and insignificant, God chose to use the nature life to teach me and guide me.

No wonder so many ants crawling in front of me. :P These ants are to serve a reminder to me that God gave them ability to survive till today. One thing after reading this passage, my heart lightened up and was assured that God never see me that way. He knows what are my weaknesses and He chose to let it happen. I was thankful for sure because feeling so lousy about myself all these while, God had freed me from all these negative thoughts. Is ok to be slow. Is ok to be weak. Because only through God, his strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12.9)

The next time you feel small and insignificant - look at an ant again and marvelled at how small & weak but yet at the same time it is still surviving.

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